Drunk

Being a parent is not easy. Nor did I think it would be. However, what surprises me most is that caring for Bum-Bum is not the most difficult part at all. It's the internal stuff that messes with me. I now put all my actions on this "good mommy" gauge to see if what I'm doing really is what a "good mommy" does. Lately, I've been gauging how much I drink alcohol. I already know that my Jew and I drink more than we should. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I know I have to be careful. We don't drink to excess around Bum -- usually we drink after she's gone to sleep for the night -- but still, I don't like it. My internal gauge goes into alarm mode every time I wake up feeling like shit from the night before. I look at her perfect, innocent face and I want to punch myself for even risking, for one second, anything happening to her or me (or my Jew) because of alcohol.

So, this is my little resolution. Putting it out here where no one will, yet everyone can, see it makes me feel more commited to it. I can't promise to not drink at all. Maybe I'm weak. Stupid? A horrible person? Whatever. At least I'm making an effort. I won't drink during the week at all. Fridays and Saturdays only, if at all. In addition, I need to get off my ass and start exercising. I'm going to aim to take Bum-Bum for walks in her stroller over to my mom's as often as the weather will allow. That's about 2 miles total. So, maybe my ass will shrink a little. That would be nice.

I feel really optomistic about life recently and I don't want to screw it up. We have this amazing new house, amazing jobs, a beautiful, healthy daughter and so much love for each other that I just can't justify or rationalize wasting the majority of my free time being inebriated.