Mortality

I almost cried at my desk a little while ago. I ran across this photo essay and it was so sad and beautiful that I started thinking about dying and leaving Bum-Bum and my Jew and I just about lost it. I don't do well with the whole mortality thing. I'm sure that's why I'm so obsessed with vampire lore and everything. I would jump at the opportunity to be immortal. I just don't want to stop being. And I sure as hell don't want to have to say goodbye to my baby and husband. Shit, the thought of my cat dying crushes me. How am I going to deal when humans around me die?

My grandfather died in '93. We were very close, but I was also pretty young, so as sad as it was, I don't think it affected me as much as it will when someone dies and I'm an adult. Unfortunately, my grandmother is getting really frail and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's so I think she's not far from dying soon. I feel cold saying that, like we are just watching her waste away. It numbs you -- just waiting for someone to die. Knowing it's right there, but it's just. not. happening. And you want it to happen, just to have it over with. But you don't because you love her. You'll miss her.

So we wait. And worry. And love her while we can. But after that I know my other grandparents will die, then my parents....and it just keeps going on. I don't want to feel that! I don't want to experience it. I want to go into a coccon and wait out the sickness, the hurt, the loss, the grief. Then, when it's passed, I cut myself out and carry on living. I don't want to lose the people I love. Ever.