I’ve always liked stories that start with “There’s something to be said for….” And then follow with something really wise. So, I was going to start this post with that, but then I realized it was taking me way to long to come up with the something wise. I’ll have to settle for something…mundane.
There’s something to be said for being scared out of your mind. As I currently am. In case that sentence was lost on you. It doesn’t take much these days to make me wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. I mean, I’m supremely happy with my life. As far as I’m concerned, short of winning the lottery, I’m the luckiest person I know. Who can complain about a loving marriage to their best friend and the amazing little pixie princess they created together? And what about this new little peanut on the way? Not even a peanut really…more like the little bean part inside the green bean. What did I do to deserve such luck and happiness? And terror?
Sometimes the logistics of every day life just seem so overwhelming. Finding a sitter, who’s taking who to the doctor, oh no the car is broken, the dogs got into diaper genie and now their breath smells like baby shit. Somewhere along the way all the chaos became normal and now I’m freaking out because we’re having another baby and it’s going to be even more chaotic (and happy and wonderful and we wanted this but holy shit!).
So, I’m pretty scared. I’m just figuring out how to be a Mommy and after a year I almost feel like I’m learning something. For all those women who pop out a baby and stick it on their boob and the heavens open up and rainbows follow them around as bluebirds change the diapers….that was not me – and I hate you. I never took a birthing class or a new parent class or anything. I read every book I could get my hands on and the rest we just did from instinct. I think it came pretty naturally to me, holding the baby felt completely right, not all awkward and creepy like when I held other people’s babies. And all of a sudden my vanity went out the window. Not that there was much left after nine months of Oreos and cheese fries…but still…becoming a Mom changed everything. And now I’m doing it again and wondering how in the world I will juggle everything and spread my love across my husband, four cats, two dogs and two beautiful babies.
People do this every day – much harder things in fact so I’m not deluded into thinking this is some monumental feat that I alone will accomplish. But in my little microcosm, that’s exactly what it is. It’s huge. And scary. And I can’t wait.
There’s something to be said for being scared out of your mind. As I currently am. In case that sentence was lost on you. It doesn’t take much these days to make me wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. I mean, I’m supremely happy with my life. As far as I’m concerned, short of winning the lottery, I’m the luckiest person I know. Who can complain about a loving marriage to their best friend and the amazing little pixie princess they created together? And what about this new little peanut on the way? Not even a peanut really…more like the little bean part inside the green bean. What did I do to deserve such luck and happiness? And terror?
Sometimes the logistics of every day life just seem so overwhelming. Finding a sitter, who’s taking who to the doctor, oh no the car is broken, the dogs got into diaper genie and now their breath smells like baby shit. Somewhere along the way all the chaos became normal and now I’m freaking out because we’re having another baby and it’s going to be even more chaotic (and happy and wonderful and we wanted this but holy shit!).
So, I’m pretty scared. I’m just figuring out how to be a Mommy and after a year I almost feel like I’m learning something. For all those women who pop out a baby and stick it on their boob and the heavens open up and rainbows follow them around as bluebirds change the diapers….that was not me – and I hate you. I never took a birthing class or a new parent class or anything. I read every book I could get my hands on and the rest we just did from instinct. I think it came pretty naturally to me, holding the baby felt completely right, not all awkward and creepy like when I held other people’s babies. And all of a sudden my vanity went out the window. Not that there was much left after nine months of Oreos and cheese fries…but still…becoming a Mom changed everything. And now I’m doing it again and wondering how in the world I will juggle everything and spread my love across my husband, four cats, two dogs and two beautiful babies.
People do this every day – much harder things in fact so I’m not deluded into thinking this is some monumental feat that I alone will accomplish. But in my little microcosm, that’s exactly what it is. It’s huge. And scary. And I can’t wait.
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You will be fantastic sweetheart, you really will. The thought is scarier than the reality and when your new baby is here you will just get on with it. There will be days when you do wonder WTF you have gotten yourself into and days where you just want to pull the duvet over your head and pretend the last few years never happened, but on the whole it will be wonderful and full of warmth, laughter and love.
ReplyDeleteI say this from the viewpoint of a girl who gets pain and sore nipples rather than rainbows when her baby latches on, who read books and didn't go to classes, who is struggling with a lack of sleep even though SnowBaby doesn't sleep all that badly as it goes and who nearly passed out at the checkout at the store earlier in the week as she paid for three packets of different sized diapers (I have three under three at the mo...) yet who still LOVES it 99.9% of the time and would love it 100% if she had friends who could sit from time to time or support from neighbours or family.
You will be fine. Better than fine - you will be great - and once your new one is in your arms you'll never be able to remember life before them, so relax and enjoy your pregnancy. It will be beautiful. Promise. x
What Mox said....
ReplyDeleteI think because having two babies is an abstract thing at the moment it makes it scarier. And everything you say about having more than one child is true - it can be chaotic and stressful but most of all it's a big ball of love and that's what gets you through - particularly on the hard days (and I definitely wasn't a rainbows type of girl either). At moments when it all gets too much, breathe deeply and think 'this will pass' - because it always does.